(Foto av Priscilla Du Preez från Unsplash)
Det är morgon, och min son E och jag leker i hans fantasivärld Tjuvstaden, och det är såklart kollektivtrafiken som är i fokus. Det är kul att byta ut olika stationsnamn i Stockholm mot varianter som hedrar sjöbusarna i Bamses värld (t.ex. Slussken, Bustershamn, osv). Förutom att en och annan skurk från andra världar fått hälsa på (t.ex. Måns från Pelle Svanslös) så börjar det bli lite uttömt... Allt blir Busterby, Busterbo, Sluskberget, Rusktorget...
Det är en bra morgon, E har lov och har själv kallat på mig för att leka. Det är läge att utmana flexibiliteten lite.
E: "Du kör ditt tåg och jag kör mitt. Tåget går mot Busterhamn, se upp för dörrarna, dörrarna stängs!" [dörrljud]
J: "Spårvagn mot SkattKista, se upp för dörrarna, dörrarna stängs!" [dörrljud] "Stopppp! Vänta... det kommer någon!" Paus... "Det är Morran" (som aldrig varit på besök i Tjuvstaden) "Hon glider sakta in i vagnen och det blir kallt... Folk drar sig bort och tycker hon är läskig..."
E: "Och sen glider hon ut igen. Åk nu."
(Ett tydligt nej, ok!)
J: "Ok, tack för det! Se upp för dörrarna, dörrarna stängs!" [dörrljud] "Nästa station: Bustermalmstorg"... "Se upp för dörrarna, dörrarna stängs!" (Paus...) "Stopp!! Vänta! Det kommer någon..." (Paus...) "Det är Boog, den stora björnen! Hallå alla, här kommer jag och jag letar efter tjohooo-godis!"
E: "Jaaa, och efter kommer hans hjortkompis Elliot!"
(De är välkomna! Kul, vi leker lite med dessa nya kompisar innan färden går vidare)
J: "Nästa station: Tjuvtekniska högskolan, där en kan lära sig allt möjligt om tjuvteknik! Se upp för dörrarna, dörrarna stängs..." (Paus... E tittar intensivt på mig och undrar vem som ska komma nu...) "Sssstopp!! Vänta... Här kommer Kaaaa, den stora ormen från Djungelboken och ringlar in i vagnen. Sssser man på!"
(Paus, tveksam min hos E...)
E: "Men han glider ut igen..?"
J: "Sssssnälla, jag vill inte säga adjössssss, jag ssska hälssssa på min kompissss Reinhard sssom bor i Sssstållna..."
E: "OK, du får åka med!"
J: "Jaaaa! Tackssssåmycke!" [dörrljud]
Vi håller på så där ända till SkattKista, och på vägen hoppar bl.a. Findus och Pettsson (de ska köpa en rävfälla i stadsdelen med samma namn) och Nalle Puh på. Sen är det dags för E att åka till lovfritids (IRL så att säga), så vi rundar av.
Vad vill jag visa med exemplet ovan (som hände imorse)?
Jo, att vi kan leka lite med elden med våra barn. Om förutsättningarna är rätt.
Det finns något fascinerande och skrämmande med eld, som bjuder in till lek och utforskande (precis som strömmande vatten) och samtidigt riskerar att flippa ur helt, och jag tycker uttrycket "leka med elden" beskriver hur det kan kännas i leken (många gånger för mig och som jag även hört många föräldrar uttrycka) när vi rör oss i gränslandet för vad våra barn är bekväma med.
Vi föräldrar till barn med autism vet att det kan bli obehagligt för våra barn (och för oss) när vi hamnar i eller beger oss ut i för dem okända marker, eller bara tänjer på det förväntade eller vana lite. När vi utmanar dem att testa nytt kan det kännas som att vi "utsätter dem" för något.
Kommer vårt barn att gå in i låsning eller få ett utbrott? Vi har sett det förut och vill inte utsätta henom för det. Det kan också kännas sårbart som förälder att bli avvisad med ointresse eller ett rungande nej (för tusende gången). Samtidigt har vi en längtan efter att dela något nytt med barnet och att tänja på hens värld lite.
Hos våra barn innebär nyheter att inte kunna förutse vad som ska ske, rädslan för att släppa kontrollen, att kanske bli manipulerad eller lurad in i något okänt. Att se sina föräldrar bli besvikna eller frustrerade. Bättre då att säga nej tidigt (och alltmer kraftfullt) tills faran är över.
Men precis som med eldlek går det att skapa trygga och bra förutsättningar. En kamin med lucka som går att stänga, lite blött gräs runt om eldplatsen eller kanske en brandsläckare lättillgängligt, och att vi stoppar in lite virke eller papper i taget. Allt detta kan ge oss en känsla av kontroll. Så kan det vara för våra barn också. Om vi väljer en bra dag då stressnivån är låg, och om lekrummet är tryggt (både fysiskt, tidsmässigt och relationellt) så kommer de att vara mer benägna att våga testa nya saker.
Relationell trygghet, vad innebär det? (Och vadå förutsägbart? Själva poängen med att leka är väl att det inte ska vara så förutsägbart??) Relationell trygghet/förutsägbarhet betyder att vårt barn kan vara säkert på att vi inte kommer att döma henom under leken, att vi kommer att älska henom oavsett, låter henom styra vad som ska lekas och alltid kommer att acceptera ett nej från hens sida (även om vi provar att locka eller utmana fler gånger). Vi t.o.m. uppskattar och firar deras tydliga nej! Detta skapar en trygghet som tillåter att leken ger sig ut i oanade terränger, därför att barnen vet att de när som helst kan backa tillbaka till säker mark.
Och så är det det där med motivationen, den viktigaste förutsättningen! Om vi följer vårt barns motivation (och väljer nya utmaningar som vi tror är lockande, kittlande och motiverande för henom) så gör vi utmaningarna lättare. Som i exemplet ovan var det tydligt att vissa figurer var lättare att bjuda in i leken, och att andra gick bort. Och när jag fått ett par nej och ett par ja, då vet jag att jag hittat precis rätt nivå av utmaning. 
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